Posts (page 2)

How come me riding crop works on a broom? And how come I can't just use it on meself to run faster?

Why is the Squeakie Priestie standing in water up to her chin in the Swamp of Sorrows?

Where's the flesh beast non-combat pet I oughtta get fer hittin' exalted with da Consortium?

What happened to Teej after she left Club Half-Past-Nine and did she need to call 911?

What goes on when I walks past the guards at Scarlet Monastery, and they don't respond or nuthin'? Did I get some sort of "You can't see me! Whoohoo!" passive ability last time I was at the trainer and he not mention it? Or do they just say to theyselves "Oh crap! This muggerchugger looks serious! Let's pretend we don't see him and maybes he'll go away."

Why does a taunt only last six seconds? Did they forget I just called their mother a skanky ho with mismatched armor?

How come when I put on a helmet me beard and braids disappear?

Has Lady Vashj ever posed for a pin-up calendar?

Who'd win a footrace? Murmur or Ragnaros?

Why did it have to be oozes?

Now I may have mentioned that I runs in a small uber-casual laid-back guild. As such, we usually don't have to worry about guild drama. If we have arguements over loot, they's the kind what go like this: "You should take it." "No, you take it - it perfect for your class/spec" "Yeah, but it's a bigger upgrade for you. You take it." etc etc etc until the rest of the party scream "Somebody take the dang thing already!" but whoa nellie did we get ourselves some drama the other day.

All started when Aelion the cheeky Belf hunter's new pet got loose in the Purge Secret Headquarters of Doom (okay, it's a small fourth floor flat in the cheapest section of Orgrimmar). Seems he'd picked up a crocolisk somewheres so he could learn the "Have Six Legs" ability and teach it to his windserpent Pip. Well, this croc goes and eats one of Rim's non-combat pets. Was either Henly or Lilry - I can't be bothered to remember the details. Well, Rim's pissed and he's got his fireballs set all the way up to "Deep Fat Fry" and he's ready to do some homestyle cooking on Aelion's ass. Problem is, all Belfs look alike to trolls. I's serious - they can't tell'em apart nohows. So there's all sorts of fireball action going off as the elves all scampers around looking for safety. Aelion ain't dumb - he feigns death as soon as he hears Rim comin' and totally avoids the wrathful retributions. Bashabil bubbled until she could hide behind big ol' Bull, but Ellspeth weren't so quick and got all crispy crittered. Fortunately she had her soulstone on and was able to pop back up after.

Eventually me and Throttle was able to grab Rim and wrestle him to the ground and hold him there 'til he calmed down. I tell ya, fer a mage with a strength of like , I dunno, maybe seven, he put up a heck of a struggle. And he bit me too, the bastard. At least I stayed clear of the tusks - those things is huge.

Well, Aelion disappeared immediately afters. We thought maybe he was just laying low 'til the smoke cleared and we'd had a chance to replace the carpeting or somethings, but no. He went and found hisself a new guild. "A chance to go on raids, and they aren't so frickin' anal about their non-combat pets" he told me. Well, I wishes him lucks.

Shplort!

That's the sound of 1344 dreadfang venom sacs being dropped on the floor in front of Sha'nir, the Draineinaena what runs the Center for Refugees Too Dumb To Not Go Out in the Woods And Get Bit By Spiders. "Oh, my" she says, awe-struck by my generosities and rugged good looks. "This may take a while."

Yeah, no lie. All the sacs had to be counted and but into boxes eight at a time and labeled and dated and whatnot. I said they should just take me word for it that they was all there, but her assistant said he weren't sure orcs could count that high. Bigot.

It took near an hour, but when it were done she reported up to her bosses on the Aldor Rise what a fine upstanding citizen I was and that therefores they shouldn't attack me on sight no more. Then she tooks me into the back room and gave me a more personal welcome to the Aldor community. I found out she sounds like a chipmunk when she's real excited, and she found out once you go orc you never go ... well, whatever. You just don't.

What you say? Screen capture or it didn't happen? Fine, you mistrustful buggers. Here it is:

Last night in the Black Morass the Legplates of the Bold dropped off of Aeonus. Presumably he kept'em around for when he transmorgified into human form, since no way they'd fit on a forty-foot dragon. Anywho, they goes nice with me Shoulderguards of the Bold which I got from Murmur in Shadow Lab (who didn't have no shoulders, so buggered if I know what he was doin' with'em) and me Gauntlets of the Bold which I took off of Warlord Fishface in the Steamvault (who at least had hands). Still missing is the Warhelm of the Bold and the Breastplate of the Bold, both of which was last seen in various corners of Tempest Keep. But I ain't seen either of those yet.

The shoulders was a clear upgrade from me old Warchief's Mantle, so I slapped some Solid Stars of Elune in'em and a Greater Inscription of the Knight and they's me tanking shoulders. So far so good. But then it gets tricky. Compared to me Felsteel Gloves, the Bolds got more stamina but less armor. Since I's got plenty of health but I'm pushin' to get me armor up to 12k, I tank in the felsteel and bank the bold. But as gear changes I may find meself in the opposite position, so I ain't vending nuthin'. Then me Legguards of the Resolute Defender got better avoidance the the Bolds but less strength, which be useful fer generating the threatifications. At the moments I ain't having no troubles holding aggro, so I'm tanking in the Resolutes and banking the Bolds, but this may change. Arrgh. I's just a simple orc, and having to keep track of all this mathifying be giving me headaches.

Bugger it. I'm gonna go kill something. And its offspring. And drink some beer.

The Dark Portal Opens

Well, we did it. We went back in time and protected Medivh while he opened the Dark Portal. Here you can see that the portal is open and the first orcish troops is checking it out. See that one on the left? I think he's me dad's uncle.

I tell ya, it were a hell of a fight. Not 'cause me guildies ain't awesome, 'cause they is, but it weren't really our kind of fight. We had me, and Zinzi who gives way wicked healing, and our two survivalist hunters Bull and Aelion what can lay traps like nobody's business. And Throttle, who totally rocks at being sneaky. They's so awesome at crowd control that sometimes I need to remind'em to leave somebody for me to fight. But this weren't a crowd control fight. This were a lay down the law, take no prisoners, maximum overdrive dps fight. And it were hard going for a while there. But we rallied and pulled together and got the muggerflumpin job done. And I got some high-end loots out of it, but I'll talk about that another time.

Medivh, About to Key Me Up

So what does this mean? Means there's gonna be decades of wars, famines, exterminations, concentration camps, Thrall gets to boink Jaina Proodmore, legions of undead, and I get to grow up in the deserts of Durotar. There's reasons why this is all a good thing, but I can't be bothered to remember the details.

What's more important is what it means for me, in the here and now. You sees, after we'd killed all the evil time dragons and the Portal was good and open, I goes and talks to Medivh. And I shows him the key what Khadgar had put together from the pieces I'd pulled outta Shadow Lab and Steamvault and Arcatraz. And he was all "Dude. The fuhg you get this?" Then he takes that key and gives me one what looks just like it but apparently is charged up or something and tells me to go talk to Khadgar again. So back I goes to Shattrath and shows it to K and he says "Ratter you are good to go. Waltz yerself over to Karazhan and get yerself a buttload of purples!" Well, okay, he didn't really say that. But he did say that the key to Karazhan is really and truly mine, and I shoulds go use it.

Karazhan Key

So here it be. The key to the great tower of Karazhan. Don't look like much, do it? But it could unlock the next phase of me life, so I figure it's pretty darn important. Now I just gots to find a crew to go in there with me. I knows Zinzi and Aelion'd be up for it, 'cause they's troopers and got some righteous gear, but it don't look like anyone else in our tiny uber-casual guild is gonna come with us. So I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I'll worry about that tomorrows. Fer now, I's just gonna scratch Goal and Priority Number the Three off me list, and that's good enough.

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't write about it then, 'cause I'm writing about it now.

Still killing spiders for they's Dreadfang venom sacs so's I can convince the Aldorks I ain't a total nuggerfumper. Alongs the way I have come to hate 5 things about this job.

Thing One: Slow Acting Poison
It is really fuhggin embarrassing to exterminate a bunch of spiders, loot they corpses, say to yerself "self, you's getting low on health. you shoulds eat something", reply "yeah, pretty soon", and then fall down dead. Okay, so it only happened that one time. Still, that's enough to hate it.

Thing Three: Alliance Killing me Spiders
They's my spiders. Nobody should be killings'em without I say okay. Now, if it's a hordie poaching them, at least there's a good chance any venom sacs'll end up on he AH, where I can buys them at me leisure. If it's a pasty-skinned human, though, them sacs is gone forever. Wankers.

Thing Four: Inventory is Full
If I can stack 200 venom sacs into one slot, how's come I can only get five leg tips into the same space? It's only the tip - it ain't like I's trying to cram the whole fuhggin leg in there! And why does a ring take up as much space as a freakin' breastplate. Stupid magic bags.

Thing Five: The Darkmoon Faire
They's parked in a space outside of Shattrath taking up space what could be full of valuable spiders, the buggers. Why can't they set up inside the city, on the Terrace of Light. Lots of space there, and then old A'dal could go and maybe buy hisself a frog pet or somethin'.

Taunting is a pretty fundamental part of tanking. It's a way of gettin' the bad buy to stop beatin' up on the poor cloth-wearing finger-wiggling squishie and pay attention to me, dang it! Once he's lookin' at you you can does yer regular threat-generating moves so he stays focused on you. After all, the tank is the most virile and sexy member of the party - the attention should be on you. (If you's a female tank, then maybes virile ain't the right word for you. I's just a simple orc, and I got no clue what the proper word would be. Whatever it is though, you've got it. You know you've got it).

Now taunting ain't something you should need to do in a straight-up fight. It's fer when something goes wrong. Crowd control fails and a mob goes for yer mage. A patrol comes along and starts beatin' on whoever's standing in the back. Priest has to do too much healing and they all go after her and she's screaming "Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!" and not in a good way. That's when you want yer taunt.

If yer a bear druid, then yer taunt is called "Growl" or "Grunt" or "Blueberry-and-honey-flavored fart" or whatevers. If yer a tankadin then I dunno know what it's called, but it's probably got something to do with the big arrow pointing to yer package. What do I look like, a research site? We warriors is basic folk, so we just calls our taunt "Taunt".

Now, when they teach you to taunt in warrior school (waaay back in yer tenth season when you learned to do the defensive stance) all they teach you do to is to poke the bad guy in a harmless but pain-inducing way. Oh yeah, and do that little shuffle with yer feet. And give him the real mean glare. This makes you look at least as threatening as anyone else in yer party, and gives you three seconds to lay on some shield slam and sunder action. And then yer good to go.

This all works fine. Problem is, when you do it this way the only ones what know you've taunted is you and the tauntee. Maybe the clothie what was in the middle of having his ass handed to him notices somethings changed, but he's probably a self-centered mage and ain't gonna realize you wasted a precious cooldown to save his worthless fireball-chucking hide. So I likes to add a verbal component to turn me taunts into Taunts. Let's everyone know yer on the job, plus it just feels good. And for some mobs, you can piss'em off so much they face changes color, which is fun to watch. Lemme give you some examples:

"Nyah nyah!"
"Me grandma crits more often than you!"
"Your mother wears 'of the Whale' armor!"
"You got a tiny winky!"
"'Scuse me, but I need to eat yer face."

You gets the idea. Find some what feels right for you, and write up a simple little macro so you says it as part of yer taunt. Mix it up. Keep 'em guessing. And have some funs with it.